Eli is to photography in 2009 as Wil Wheaton is to writing in 2002

I haven't posted anything about photography yet. I've been trying for a long time to figure out what to say. The fact is, photography is a sort of painful topic for me. Thinking about it in a professional sense just bring back memories of failure and crushed dreams. Going through old images seldom gives me a sense of accomplishment at what I did in the past, it usually just makes me angry about the present. I feel like instead of finding a way to make new art I'm using the few good pieces I have as a crutch. "Hey! Look at these! I don't suck after all!"

I know a lot of people tell me I'm really good, but there's a catch to that. I have a hard time accepting praise from people who don't notice that their prints from the CVS minilab are too magenta. If may parents, relatives and friends are complimenting me I'd rather it be because of some connection they have to the image rather than on technical or aesthetic merits. I do like to form that emotional connection, but also for every good thing someoen can find about an image, odds are I can find two faults. Part of that is the nature of art- the creator is always painfully aware of the smallest mistake or defect. It's also because of the harshly critical environment at my photo school and how I reacted to it.

I was not a leaf on the wind, and I did not soar.

I am very ambivalent about trying to make a career (Or even a part time job.) out of my photography. On one hand, I do believe myself to be "Better than average," if not good or great. And a certain part of me does crave recognition. At the same time, I fear being not as good as I ought to be, or as good as I think I am.

I just don't have the courage yet to really put myself out there and try to succeed on my own terms. I don't quite know what those terms are. I'll let you know when I figure them out.