It is the same feeling I used to get when I would go out on assignment for my photo classes. The heightened self-conscious feeling of other people's eyes on me wondering what I'm doing at their place of business or event. It's a feeling that a few years ago overwhelmed me and put me in a cheap, overstuffed chair across from a psychologist. (Not a psychiatrist. Mine wasn't able to prescribe drugs. It was probably better that way.) Of course it's different now. For one thing I've grown up a lot on five years. For another thing when I'm on a military installation I've got people I can point to and names I can drop.
But the initial discomfort is always there, as well as the, "What the fuck are you doing here?" looks from the people who have to be there. But after a while it fades. I observe them, they observe me. I see something in them I want to photograph, and after a while, they see me acting professionally, doing my job, without interfering with theirs. A few jokes ("One more for "Soldier of Fortune!""), a few images shown on the back of a digital camera, and a quick explanation tend to go a long way.
But the initial nervousness is always there and in this situation and others I don't see it going away.
Now it's time to step away from my issues for a while and get into the basics of my last weekend with the NY Army National Guard's Recruit Sustainment Program in Buffalo NY. Here's my weekend:
17:15- Arrive at the armory. Find the sergeants I'm working for. Introductions with the ones I don't know, bring in all my stuff (Four trips), then dinner. Photograph the recruits doing maneuver training outdoors. A couple other OPFOR guys show up, we shoot the shit until about 0200 then get to sleep on some cots.
06:30 Saturday morning- a very unpleasant wake up, followed by breakfast, equipment checks, and briefings. I have two sets of gear to check, photographic stuff and my airsoft gear. I lend out one of my guns to the RSP. I photograph one group running the gauntlet of sniper fire, bombings, civilian mobs, thug-ish police and the room clearing from hell. Then i follow them inside and photograph them as they learn to cammo their faces. I talk with them a bit and they are a lot more comfortable with me, and with getting shot to hell by my friends. I tell them next time they see me I'll be gunning for them too.
I trade my camera for an Echo 1 Vector Arms AK47, put on a plastic badge and go out to play Iraqi Police. I'm mostly passive. I do some communicating which I aim at getting them to remember what they're supposed to be doing or presenting a minor speed bump in that process. There is one situation where they are slow to enter a room. We go in to "Show them how it's done,' and promptly get shot to pieces by our fellow OPFOR. As I write this I still have the welts.
After lunch, more of the same.
After dinner there are 3 hours of scored challenge events. By now my feet are killing me and I'm dead tired, but I do the best I can. I run, I scream I get pushed to the floor at gunpoint and searched.
After the recruits are bedded down we tear through six large pizzas and 3 18 packs of Labbat's beer. I fall asleep on a cott in between to cars in the cavernous motor pool.
Sunday was more conventional airsoft. We did more shooting than acting which we discussed at length in out AAR. But it still had training value. The recruits communicated well, moved as a team, supported each other and did a number on us.
When I got home on Sunday I promptly called in sick to work and passed out for about 13 hours. I really was sick. When I woke up I had my first full on cold of the season. Runny nose, congestion, the whole deal. I can't help thinking the lack of sleep and long hours held the door open for the germs. Still worth it.
